


in the ruins

by marmee_ginny



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, knife shoes appreciation society, knife shoes senior circuit, non-detailed mention of injury, so many insecurities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 21:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18169823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmee_ginny/pseuds/marmee_ginny
Summary: "Yuzuru only realizes there’s someone on the couch when he’s halfway to his door. Upon turning to look, he recognizes the messy hair immediately. Shoma is sitting up, holding his legs against his chest, with his chin resting on his knees and a faraway look in his eyes. He looks small – smaller than normal.Yuzuru stops walking; Shoma wasn’t supposed to be here; in Canada, inside Yuzuru’s house, sitting on his couch."





	in the ruins

**Author's Note:**

> Short fic loosely inspired by Snow Patrol's "What If This Is All The Love You Ever Get?"
> 
> Thank you again, unos, for being an wonderful beta and friend. <3

Yuzuru only realizes there’s someone on the couch when he’s halfway to his door. Upon turning to look, he recognizes the messy hair immediately. Shoma is sitting up, holding his legs against his chest, with his chin resting on his knees and a faraway look in his eyes. He looks small – smaller than normal. 

Yuzuru stops walking; Shoma wasn’t supposed to be here; in Canada, inside Yuzuru’s house, sitting on his couch.

Before he can fully process what he’s seeing, Shoma asks, “Have you ever thought about what would happen if this was our only chance at love?”

“What? Shoma, what you’re doing in Canada?” Yuzu asks while walking towards the couch and looking around searching for Shoma’s backpack or any luggage. There’s nothing. Did Shoma check in to a hotel before coming here? How did he get in?

Shoma interrupts Yuzu’s train of thought. “I’m afraid, Yuzu.”

“What?” And suddenly it’s like no time at all has passed. The need to protect Shoma, comfort him, hug him and assuage his fears comes back instantly. But he lost that right, the right to touch Shoma in a comforting way. And it was his own fault.

“What if no one else will ever love me?”

Once again, Shoma’s question startles Yuzu out of his reverie and he only has time for a stuttered, “I– What?” before Shoma continues.

“I know how annoying I can be. I know I don’t reply to messages and I disappear for days at a time. That even when I’m right there, I can be lost in my own world.” Shoma breath shudders out of him and Yuzu knows he’s trying not to cry. “I knew only deep love would make someone ignore that, but I now know not even that will save a relationship with me.”

Yuzu’s heart breaks. “Shoma, no.”

“So, what if this - us - was my only shot at love? I’m not the best at opening up to people, I might never love someone the way I love you. And what then?” Shoma’s voice seems to get smaller with every word, until Yuzu can barely hear him. “Is my fate to go through life alone? Being loved by friends and family but having no one that just  _ loves _ me, you know? Did I fuck up my only chance somehow?”

Yuzu hugs himself because he can’t hug Shoma right now. He wants to, so much it’s like a physical pain, but he can’t. All he can do is say, “No, Shoma. You didn’t.”

“Then why did you break up with me?” Shoma asks in a hollow voice, finally looking at Yuzu.

Yuzu wakes up crying. 

He doesn’t know what that dream meant, but it hurts. Shoma’s vacant eyes, the emotionless way he spoke that meant he was hiding his feelings; Yuzu feels like they are his fault. Even though he realizes it was only a dream, the fact of he was responsible for the end of their relationship weighs on his mind. He knows this dream will linger for a few days. That when he sees Shoma at Worlds he will want to touch him but will have to hold himself back and that dream will be the first thing he’ll think of. 

He had his reasons for breaking up with Shoma. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do.

Now he is not so sure.

 

He can’t go back to sleep. When he closes his eyes, he sees Shoma’s face. If he goes back to sleep, he might keep dreaming about Shoma, crying. He needs someone to talk to, someone who knows everything that happened. His mom is just a room away, but he doesn’t want to wake her up. She already takes care of him in every waking moment. He should let her sleep.

Yuzu blindly searches for his phone on his bedside table.

Javi picks up after a few rings and from the way Yuzu says, “Javi,” he knows immediately that something is wrong.

“Yuzu? Are you okay? Isn’t it late in Canada right now? Did something happen?” Javier asks frantically and the noises from wherever he is get lower and further away. He must be busy, but made the time to pick up the phone and now seems to be making sure Yuzu has his full attention.

That gesture and the care it represents make it easier for Yuzu to say, “No, I’m not. And I don’t know what time it is.” He sighs, not knowing what to say, what he needs.

Yuzu hears a door close before Javi’s worried voice sounds again. “What is it? What happened?” He is in a completely silent place now, only the sound of his breathing echoing through the phone.

Yuzu stares at his ceiling for a while and takes a deep breath. “I dream– dreamed? I had a dream about Shoma.” He hears Javi’s relieved breath turn into a sigh.

“Oh, Yuzu.” If Javi’s voice sounded worried mere seconds ago, now it just sounds sad. “It’s it the first time you have dreamed about him after the break-up?”

Yuzu takes a minute to think about it. He has dreamed of Shoma after the break up. Little snippets of their time together. Scenes of a future that would never happen now. “No, but it is different this time.”

“Different how?”

Again, Yuzu thinks about Javi’s question. “I don’t know. It was more sad. It made me cry. I didn’t cry before.” He takes a deep breath before asking, “Do you think I made a mistake?”

“Breaking up with Shoma?”

“Yes,” Yuzu answers, dreading every possible answer.

Javi’s reply is quick and sure. “Yes.”

“What?” Yuzu gasps. “You do?”

“What?” Yuzu can hear Javi’s fond smile in his voice, somehow. “Did you want me to lie? To say I don’t?”

“No,” Yuzu whines. “...Maybe, yes,” he concedes after a couple of seconds.

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I think you shouldn’t have broken up with Shoma.”

“Why?” Yuzu knows his voice sounds petulant again, but he can’t help it. Javi knew his reasons. Yuzu thought they were good reasons.

“Because you love each other.”

That simple question takes him back to his dream and he can’t help but ask, “And you think that was my only shot at love?”

“No!” Now Javi sounds plain baffled. “What? Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know” Yuzu feels his voice go quieter. “It was something Shoma told me in my dream.”

“Oh.” Javi seems to gather the whole picture from those few words. “Oh, Yuzu.” He sighs, making his nickname for Yuzu sound even more sibilant than usual. “That’s not true. That’s just something your subconscious wants you to believe.”

“What?”

“It was a dream, Yuzu. Just a dream. Shoma would never say he was your only chance at being loved. It was–”

Yuzu is quick to interrupt him. “Oh no. No no no. He didn’t– He said he thought I was his only chance–” And then Yuzu’s voice fails him.

“Oh. See? That was your subconscious feeding off of your fears. It’s not true, you know it’s not. Neither for Shoma or for you. You can be friends again in the future and you both will love again.”

“But will anyone else ever love me back?” Yuzu asks, so quietly that he only knows Javi heard because of his sad sigh.

“Yes. Of course yes, Yuzu”

“Really? Even with me being selfish? Being both not present and too needy at the same time? Or when I get hyper focused and talk in circles for hours?” He has to stop himself before every insecurity he has about himself comes spilling out.

“Yes. Someone will love you. Your laugh, your joy, your loyalty and how thoughtful you are–”

“You didn’t.” Yuzu interrupts Javi and immediately feels foolish. He doesn’t know what brought that on. That was way in the past, he was way over that.

“Oh, Yuzu. It’s not that I didn’t love you.”

“Just not that way. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just–” He doesn’t know what he is right now. He’s confused and unsure. He’s not used to being unsure.

“Yuzu, listen to me. You shouldn’t have broken up with Shoma because  _ you love him, _ not because he’s the only one who will ever love you. You should have fought for it because love like that is worth fighting for, not because you’re afraid.” 

“Do you think he will take me back?” Can his voice stop sounding like that? He is not used to his voice sounding that small.

“If you want to try again and fight for it this time? I have no doubt he will.”

Javi’s conviction makes Yuzu smile. “Yes?”

“Yes, Yuzu. It’s not like you guys had a fight. You had your reasons and, while he didn’t agree with them, he accepted and respected your decision.”

That sounds like Shoma. “You talked to him, didn’t you?

“Yes. I wanted to know how he was feeling and if he needed someone to talk to. He had already talked to Keiji, but he said enough to me.”

“You didn’t call me.” Yuzu whines and waits for the exasperation.

“It was your decision!”

There it is.

“I know.” Javi is easily convincing him he made a mistake. “I just– I miss him so much.”

“I know you do.”

“I thought it would stop. I didn’t miss him this much before. I thought it would go back.”

“What, you thought because you were not in a relationship with him anymore you would go back to not missing him?”

“Yes.” Well, he thought it would hurt less. Missing his boyfriend while knowing they would go through months of not seeing each other again and again hurt like hell.

“You miss him because you love him! Not because you were his boyfriend! You didn’t stop loving him just because he stopped being your boyfriend. That makes no sense.”

“I know! You’re right. I just– I didn’t know what to do. It hurt and I didn’t know when I was going see him again and I didn’t remember when was the last time we talked face to face and I made a mistake.” 

“So what are you going to do about it?” Javi asks, almost challenging him.

“I’m going to talk to Shoma. Beg for forgiveness, maybe?”

Javi chuckles. “Okay, good idea.”

“Right now, I should probably try to go back to sleep. I have practice in the morning.” Javi is really great at making Yuzu calm down, even through the phone. Now he feels ready to fall asleep again.

“Sleep well, Yuzu.”

“Okay. Thank you, Javi.”

“Anytime.”

 

It seems both no time at all and all the time of the world before he’s standing in front of Shoma’s door, two days before the competition. He stands there for a few moments and repeats “I’m two-time Olympic Champion, I can do this!” like a mantra before he gathers the courage to knock.

“What are you doing here, Hanyu-senshuu?” Itsuki greets him at the door, looking every bit like the overprotective little brother he is.

“I need to talk to Shoma.”

There must be something in Yuzu’s face, voice or posture, that makes Itsuki frown, deflate and let him in. “Let me see if he’s up. Just a minute.” With that, Itsuki leaves Yuzu standing alone by the door. Yuzuru closes it and starts to fidget uncomfortably. He doesn’t know what to do. It’s not that he expected a warmer reception, after what he’s done, it’s just– Should he sit? Would that be impolite?

He stays where he is, awkwardly looking at the walls by the door, until he hears footsteps coming back. He expects Itsuki, but Shoma is the one who comes into the living room.

Yuzu feels like a romance cliché when all the air seems to leave his lungs. It’s not as if he forgot how handsome Shoma is, he didn’t. But he seems to keep getting more handsome all the time so Yuzu’s always taken aback when he sees Shoma after a while. “Hi, Shoma.”

“Hanyu-san–” Yuzu feels his slight smile vanish and his shoulders drop. Shoma stops talking, easily reading Yuzu’s expression as always. “Yuzu-kun, hi.” 

That’s better. Yuzu knows Shoma is probably just humouring him, but– He hates it when Shoma is that formal with him, especially when they are alone. And Shoma knows that.

“What are you doing–”

“We need to talk–”

Yuzu can’t help but giggle when they speak at the same time, even when Shoma remains impassive.

“I wanted to talk to you before the competition. Can we– I want to– Can we talk?”

Shoma seems to realize then that they are still standing by the front door. “Yes! Of course. I’m sorry.” His jawline gets a little bit red, a sign that he’s embarrassed at being accidentally rude, for sure. He gestures towards the living room and Yuzu takes his usual seat on the couch, feeling a little bit disappointed when Shoma doesn’t sit right beside him like he used to, but in the armchair. Yuzu hopes they’ll be sitting side by side again by the end of this conversation. For now, it’s probably better that they sit like this, where he can look at Shoma head on without much maneuvering.

Shoma surprises him by speaking first. Shoma never speaks first. “What are you doing here? I’m sorry, but I thought you were still in Canada.”

“I wanted to talk to you before the competition, so I came a couple of days earlier.”

“Oh. About what?”

And now, even after the hours he spent practicing what to say, Yuzu doesn’t know how to say it; where to begin. “Us.”

Shoma just blinks at him for a second. “I thought we already had that conversation.”

Yuzu chuckles mirthlessly. “That wasn’t a conversation, that was a monologue on my part. I want to have a proper conversation, face to face, where you actually reply and don’t let me make all the decisions. I obviously suck at those.”

Shoma tilts his head. “What?”

“I made a mistake. I should never have broken up with you.” 

That gets a reaction, a sharp intake of breath and eyes widening in surprise. 

“It’s just– We knew from the beginning of our relationship that it would be hard, that we would go months without seeing each other. We knew we had few competitions together. But then I got hurt last season and missed almost all of those competitions. And again this season. And it hurt too much. Missing you hurt too much. So I thought the only way to stop was to end things between us. But it didn’t, it’s just gotten worse and–-”

“Yuzu-kun, breathe.” Shoma interrupts him and Yuzu stops to breath and realize he was actually getting quite frantic. “You have told me all of this already. I understand why you broke up with me.”

Yuzu allows himself a few moments to really look at Shoma, to really take in his expression. “You didn’t agree with my reasons, did you?”

“No.”

“Why?”

Shoma fidgets a little before answering, fixes his hair, scratches his nose. 

“I missed you before we started dating. And I knew it would still hurt. I just–” He shrugs his shoulders. “I thought loving you was worth the pain. The happiness I felt seeing you after a while or even hearing your voice on the phone made it worth it. Making time to see each other when we could, that time I went to visit you in Sendai, the days you spend here with me… Those were the memories I held on to when things got tough, they remind me how happy we can make each other.”

This time the sharp intake of breath comes from him and Yuzu feels his vision get blurry from tears. “Why didn’t you say anything then?” Oh, if Shoma had said that back then, Yuzu would have known it to be true. He would have seen Shoma was right. He wouldn’t have ended things with Shoma. He feels so stupid now. Why did he think breaking up would solve anything? It only brought more pain.

Shoma is silent while Yuzu is berating himself, but after a while he says, “It was your decision. I thought there was nothing I could do if you didn’t want to be with me. I thought–” Shoma interrupts himself and looks at his own knees and Yuzu knows that expression. He knows the answer to his next question is going to hurt him on Shoma’s behalf.

He knows how Shoma sees himself, how deep his self-deprecation runs and that’s– Normal, somewhat. That’s how Japanese people are. It just hurts Yuzu sometimes, to hear the way Shoma talks about himself. Maybe it’s because he has spent so much time around people who aren’t Japanese, so he’s not so used to it anymore. Most likely it hurts because he thinks the world of Shoma and wants him to see himself the way Yuzu sees him.

He needs to know the answer, even if it will hurt, so he asks the question anyway. “What was it, Shoma? What did you think?”

“I thought I was lucky to have been your boyfriend for as long as I was. I was sure you would have grown tired of me way earlier than one year and a half.” Shoma answers with another shrug.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. “Sho, did you spend our whole relationship waiting for me to break up with you?”

Initially, Shoma just shakes his head. But then he decides to actually use his words. “No. Not waiting. Just– I was prepared for it to happen at any moment.”

“But why? I love you! You know that I love you! Don’t you?” Yuzu despairs.

“Yes, but– Sometimes that not enough. And I know how hard it is to love me–”

“No, it isn’t. It is actually really easy.” Yuzu interjects.

Shoma rolls his eyes and continues. “Having to take care of me all the time–”

“I love taking care of you.”

“Having to wait for a reply for days sometimes because I just forget to read my messages–”

“I do the same thing! Shoma!” Yuzu exclaims, finally making Shoma look back at him and stop talking. “ _ I love you _ ,” he says, injecting as much conviction into those three words as he can. “This was never about me not loving you, or growing tired of you, or anything else you might have thought. This is about me making a stupid mistake because it hurt too much and I thought breaking up with you would take me back to the days when missing you didn’t hurt so bad. It’s  _ on me _ . Our breakup was  _ my fault _ .  _ I _ was the one who got hurt, twice.” 

Shoma makes a noise, disagreeing but Yuzu continues. “ _ I _ was the one who wasn’t there for the Grand Prix Final or for Nationals and had to spend so much time on rehab. Time we could have spent together. And then I couldn’t stand not seeing you for so long and  _ I _ made a stupid decision. But that stupid decision is in no way your fault or a reflection of how you’re hard to love. You’re not hard to love. You’re actually so easy to love and if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of our lives making sure you know that and believe that and never, ever doubts that ever again.” And with that Yuzu finally runs out of steam and tries to calm his pounding heart.

Shoma looks like he needs a moment to process it all and just sits there, blinking rapidly. His voice sounds baffled when he asks, “You want us to be together again?”

“If you’ll have me. I won’t make the same stupid mistake again, I promise.”

“No, you’ll make new, even more stupid mistakes.” And oh, how Yuzu has missed that smirk and the teasing.

“Does that mean–?”

“Yes.” Shoma rolls his eyes, but Yuzu can see he’s fighting a smile. “Idiot.”

Yuzu knows he’s beaming when he finally,  _ finally _ , touches Shoma. First taking the hand that has been resting against the arm of the chair and then scooting closer to Shoma, placing a hand on the back of his neck and pulling him closer to rest their foreheads together. “I can’t wait to share a podium with you again.”

“Me neither. But this time, I’ll be in the middle.”

Yuzu laughs happily and loudly at that. “Oh, it’s on!”

After the laughter has died out a little, he looks at Shoma’s smiling, chapped (always chapped) lips and then at his beautiful eyes and waits for his slight nod before kissing him.

They spring apart a few seconds later because of a screamed “Woohoo!” and a jubilant “Yes” and both turn to look at Itsuki, who’s turning to go back to his room, arms up as if he just scored a personal victory.

Yuzu looks fondly at Shoma bend over with laughter and, after he calms down enough to sit up straight again, tugs him by the hand he’s still holding until Shoma goes to sit by his side on the couch.

With Shoma back where he belongs, Yuzu starts to plan all the ways he’ll make sure his boyfriend knows how much he means to him.


End file.
